are some jokes and funny tales aimed at Rangers and
their supporters. The newest entries appear are at the
top. If you have heard a good Old Firm jokes then why
not send them to us to post up. You can do this by filling
in the form on the previous page.
in by Ghirl
1967 by email on 21/11/02]
Question: How many huns
does it take to tile a roof?
Answer: Depends how thinly you slice them.
in by Jd1967
by email on 21/11/02]
walks into a sperm donor bank...
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says
to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist,
"have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Konterman "you should
have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says
the receptionist "but I see you're going
to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Konterman
. The receptionist replies
"Well, it says on your record that you're
a useless wanker....".
in by Jo
from Australia by email on 16/10/02]
There was a Rangers
fan at this estuary in north Queensland and he
saw a local man in his smal boat, fishing. The
asked "Are there any sharks in there?"
The local replied "No sharks in here."
fan got behind some trees and got into his swimwear.
Once he got into the water he asked the local
"Aren't you going to jump in? It's nice in
here." The local told him "No, there's
too many crocodiles".
in by Telf
14 by email on 04/10/02]
Question: What's the difference between Rangers
and a teabag?
Answer: A teabag can stay in the cup longer!
in by Jim
the Tim by email on 04/10/02]
A good looking young celt
is in a night club chats up a young lady. He gets
close to her and asks her name, my name is Carmen
she replies. Thats a lovely name our cool young
tim replies. Yes she says it means I like cars
and men. She asks the young celt what his name
is. He replies "Beerfanny"!
in by Minchkin
Muncher by email on 04/10/02]
Question: What is the difference between Rangers
and a bucket of shite?
Sean by email - 04/10/02]
A time traveller lands on the Shankhill Road in
Belfast and goes straight into a pub for a refreshment.
He is met with open arms by the locals and soon
they are swapping anecdotes and swigging away
"Tell me" says one wag. "If you're
a time traveller, who wins the SPL in the year
!" replies the time lord to a massive groan.
"Who wins our own league in the same year
then ?" queries the bar fly at the end of
"Cliftonville !" comes the retort to
another massive groan.
"Right mister smart ar*e time machine man"
says the disgruntled landlord. "If you're
so clever tell us how much it costs for a pint
of beer in Belfast in the year 2010 ?"
"That's easy !" says the time traveller.
"TEN PUNTS !!".
Sean by email - 04/10/02]
Young Sean finds an orange sash lying in the gutter
as he walks down the Falls Road and decides to
take it home to show his parents.
"Look what i've found lying in the gutter"
he tells his father as he steps in the front door.
"What you doing with that sash in this house
??" says his father "throw it in the
So off he goes to throw the sash in the fire when
he bumps into his mother in the kitchen. "What
you doing with that sash in this house ??"
says his mother " throw it in the bin outside
So off he goes to throw the sash in the bin outside
when he bumps into his big brother. "What
you doing with that sash in this house ??"
says his brother "throw it out on the gutter
"Oh for f*** sake" says Sean. "I've
been an orangeman 10 minutes and already i've
been re-routed 3 times !!".
Big Doug from Hillington by email - 28/09/02]
Question: What do you call a double decker bus
with with ten Rangers
fans driving over the edge of a cliff??
Answer: A waste of space as you can get loads
Dave by email - 26/09/02]
fan is out walking his 3 legged greyhound one
day when a genie appears and grants him a wish.
after thinking for a minute he says 'I want this
dog to win the derby'. the genie says 'a three
legged dog winning the Derby, cmon be realistic
man'. ok says the Rangers
fan how about the Rangers
winning the champions league?. to which the genie
replies ' what was the one about the dog again?'
Heather 1888 by email - 23/09/02]
Question: What's the difference between a female
and a pitbull?
the Tim email - 12/09/02]
Billy McWilliamson dies and approaches st peter
at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks him what he wants, he replies he
wants into heaven.
St Peter tells him to wait while he checks his
St Peter returns and says sorry you are noton
Billy asks why hes not on the list.
St Peter explains only people who have done some
good during their earthly time are admitted to
Billy racks his brain and says i have done good
i once gave £2 to the nuns collecting for
the poor orphans.
St Peter is surpised at this revelation and says
he will have to seek advice from a higher authority
he disappears for ages and when he returns says
to Billy yes I have found a record of this good
Billy is delighted that his good work has been
recognisedand says can i get in now.
St Peter reaches over to him and places 2 coins
into his hand and says here is your £2 now
fuck off ya orange bastard!
Q: What have Rangers
got in common with a three pin plug?
A: Both are useless in Europe! ha ha!!!
A reporter for the Daily
Record is walking through the park
where 2 young boys are playing football. a dog
runs over to them an attacks 1 of the boys. Without
thinking the second boy beats the dog to death
with a stick. Impressed by the boys quick thinking
the reporter writes "brave Rangers
fan saves his friends life", but the boy
tells him that he's NOT a Ger.
So the repoter writes "brave Thistle fan
saves friends life" So when the boy says
he doesn't support Thistle either, the reporter
asks who he does support, and when the young kid
the reporter changes the headline to "fenian
bastard murders family pet".
Q. What's the difference between a sperm and a
A. A sperm has a chance of becoming a human being.
Powers from the States 21/08/02]
Pope, The Queen, and The President Of The United
States are in Glasgow for a conference. On the
ride to the conference their motorcade passes
thousands of people who've lined the streets.
The three starts discussing who's the most popular.
Prez claims he can just wave both his arms back
and forth and get a huge response. He leans out
the window and starts waving them like mad. The
crowd cheers. The Queen, not to be upstaged, claims
she can get an even bigger response with less
effort. She gives the crowd her little royal wave
and gets louder cheers than the Prez did.
Pope, who's been mostly quiet this whole time,
claims he can get the bigger response with the
least effort. He reaches under robes, pulls out
a Celtic scarf,
and hangs it out the window. Naturally, the crowds
in by Patrick on 11/08/02]
and The Moon got in common? They both have no
in by Dukiebhoy on 06/08/02]
a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of
days off his itinerary to visit the north coast
near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden
sands when there was an enormous commotion heard
just off the headland. They rushed to see what
it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope
noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing
football shirt, struggling frantically to free
himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men
shirts roared into view from around the point.
Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired
a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising
The other two reached out and pulled the scum
hun from the water and then, using long clubs,
beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man
into the speedboat along with the dead shark and
then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course
the Pope, and he summoned them to
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into
raptures about the rescue and said, "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions. I had
heard that there were some hooligan elements and
secterianism,bigotry and evil people trying to
the glorious Celtic
but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened
example of cultural harmony and could serve as
a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others,
"Who was that???!" "That,"
one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope.
He is in direct contact with God and has access
to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he
knows f*ck all about shark hunting. How's that
bait holding up or do we need to get another one?".
in by Ian Cumming on 30/07/02]
with a dog are sitting at the bar when in walks
a man straight over to the Dog and lifts its tail
up, he takes a long look and then orders a drink
a sits at a table. Stunned the two huns look to
each other in Disbelief, did that just happen?
A short while later another man enters and walks
over to the Dog lifts its tail has a good look
and then buys a drink and sits down. The puzzled
huns vow if this happens again they will ask the
next man whats going on. They dont have to wait
long, as the man approaches they wait until he
lifts the dogs tail and one pipes up "Here
you whats the crack wi ma dog big man?" he
asks. "Oh nothing mate its just theres a
out there who says theres a Dog in here wi two
in by ghirl 1967 on 27/07/02]
dies and goes to heaven (of course), when he gets
there he is met by St. Peter at the pearly gates.
He said to Lubo, "thank ghod you've arrived,
we need you to make up our football team"
Lubo take a look about and he sees Charlie Nicholas,
Jinky Johnstone, Bobby Murdoch, Paul McStay and
other great Celtic
players. He then spots a guy running about with
the hoops on, no 7 on his back and dreadlocks
hanging from his head, Lubo turns to St. Peter
and says " I didn't know henrik Larsson was
dead" St. Peter said " he's not, that's
Ghod, he just thinks he's Henrik Larsson.
in by Bad Bhoy on 20/07/02]
the world cup, a primary school teacher asks her
pupils if they want to see England win it. The
full class put their hands up except for one girl
who says she wants Sweden, Argentina or Nigeria
to win. Amazed the teacher asks why, "Well
miss my mum and dad are Scottish so I'm a Scottish
fan too." So the teacher replys "You
don't have to be a Scotland fan because you're
parents are, if your mum was a prostitute and
dad was a junkie that stole and beat up innocent
people you wouldn't be like that"
"No miss" the girl says "that would
make me a Rangers
in by Reilly from Whiteinch on 30/05/02]
new Red White and Blue Oxo cube is about to be
launched in the shops, It'll be called "laughing
in by Jenky from Drumchapel on 28/05/02]
father takes his young son to the zoo where they
are fascinated by the lions. "Daddy, Daddy,
why is that lion licking his bum?" asks the
"Son, that's because he has just eaten a
and is trying to get rid of the taste"
in by John from Hyndland on 25/05/02]
shabby looking young man wearing a Rangers
shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be
let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have
you ever done anything good like given money to
"No." replied the Hun
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once."
Said the Hun
"And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Parkhead
to see an Old Firm game and stood in the
stands with the Tims
decked in full Rangers
"My, that is brave!. When did you do
"About 3 minutes ago..."
in by Pat from Manchester on 14/05/02]
died and went to heaven. God showed him to his
new dwelling and it was a rundown shack with with
an old tattered Union Jack hanging over the front
wasn't too happy with this at all. He looked off
into the distance and saw a beautiful mansion
with a massive Celtic
Flag hanging over the doorway. McLeish
thinks to himself, "Martin
O'Neill must have died too" and
so he says to God, "I don't mean to be ungrateful,
but how come Martin
gets that gorgeous mansion for a home and all
I get is this rundown shack?"
God replied, "That's not Martins
home, that's mine!."
in by Beed from Finnieston on 8/05/02]
football fans were climbing a mountain one day.
Each was a fan of a different team and each proclaimed
to be the most devoted of all fans of their football
team. As they climbed higher they argued as to
which one of them was the most devoted of all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain,
and finally as they reached the top the Hearts
fan hurled himself off the mountain, shouting
"This is for the Hearts!" as
he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Hibs fan
threw himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This
is for the Hibs!"
Seeing this, the Celtic
fan walked over and shouted "This is for
and pushed the Rangers
fan off the mountain.
in by Derek from Kirkintilloch on 6/05/02]
the Hun was
walking his dog one day, when he spots an old
lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts
to rub it to clean it.
Suddenly, a genie appears and says "I am
the cut price genie. I grant but one wish"
Billy thinks for a while and then says "Make
my dog, 'Advocaat'
The genie looks at Advocaat
and says "Don't be stupid, look at the thing.
It's mangy and bald, its got fleas, its got a
bit missing from one ear, it limps and it smells.
I might be a genie, but I'm not a fucking miracle
"Alright then", says Billy " Make
the League this year"
The genie stops for a moment, then says "Lets
have another look at that dog again?"
in by Stephen from Partick on 27/04/02]
will do anything for three points!!! ... he was
caught for speeding on his way to Ibrox
in by David C from East Kilbride on 28/04/02]
men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area
of the Clyde on a Saturday afternoon miles away
from a radio or TV. Suddenly one man turns to
the other and says "Rangers
have lost again."
The other man was astonished and said "How
on earth do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."
in by John H from Knightswood on 24/03/02]
has it that Rangers
have a new team sponsor:- Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change
as the club is going through a very bad period.
in by Callum Angus from Stornoway on 23/03/02]
yet another gubbing at the hands of Celtic
scouts are ordered to scour the country for a
new defender to plug up their leaky defence. At
last, a good prospect was identified. He was asked
to come to Ibrox
for a trial and did well enough to impress the
management. The youth was a lifelong 'Gers
fan and was overjoyed at the thought of joining
The only remaining obstacle was the medical examination.
The club doctor put the lad through all the tests
and could find nothing to fault the boy as he
was in peak physical condition. It was only during
a closer physical examination that the doctor
detected that the youth was circumcised.
"I'm sorry, son," he told the boy, "But
I'm afraid I can't recommend the manager to take
The lad was dumbfounded.
"How naw'?" he cried.
"Well," said the doctor, "Everybody
knows you've got to be a complete dick to play
in by Graeme from Kent on 19/03/02]
How many Rangers fans
does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they're all condemned
to eternal darkness anyway.
in by Fraser from Perth on 12/03/02]
How many Huns
does it take to tile a roof?
A: It depends on how thinly you slice them.
in by Joanne from Easterhouse on 02/03/02]
football fans were driving along when they spied
a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car,
the three guys ran over to see what they could
do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of
a young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy
dropped his Partick Thistle hat over one
breast. The second guy, a Celtic
fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The
placed his hat over the woman's very private part.
Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking
over the body. He picked up the Partick Thistle
hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked
up the Celtic
hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Rangers
hat, put it down, then picked it up again again
inspecting the hat more closely, and then put
it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By
this time, the Rangers
fan was a bit irritated and he asked,"Why
do you keep picking up my hat? Are you some kind
of pervert or something?" The coroner responded
with a wry smile,"Son, I can't figure this
one out. The only time I've come across these
before, there was an arsehole under it."
in by David F from Kilmacolm on 27/02/02]
upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went
missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the
archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where
were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction
and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds;
"Look son, look what I'm after making."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What
is it?" God replied, "It's another
planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it.
I've named it earth and there's going to be a
balance between everything on it. For
example, there's North America and South America.
North America is going to be rich and South America
is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining
them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look
over here. I've put a continent of whites in the
north and another one with blacks in the south."
And then the archangel said, "And what's
that green dot there?" And God said "Ahhh,
Also known as Paradise - That is a very
special place. That's going to be the most glorious
spot on earth, beautiful stands, a perfect pitch,
an aura of holiness, breathtaking atmosphere,
and an exquisite team to grace it. These people
here are going to be of great intelligence and
they're going to be found exploring the seven
seas. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers
and songwriters. And I'm going to give them great
teams who can play quality football, which they're
going to worship and for which people will come
from the far corners of the earth to watch. I
will give them the blessed, I will give them Jock
Paul McStay, Wim
Jansen and James
McGrory and these men amongst men will
lift this club to unlimited glories, and they
shall be touched by my hand." Michael the
Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but
then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold
on a second, balance, what about balance?
You said there was going to be a balance..."
God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the
plonkers I'm putting next door to them."