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Below are some jokes and funny tales aimed at Celtic and their supporters. The newest entries appear are at the top. If you have heard a good Old Firm jokes then why not send them to us to post up. You can do this by filling in the form on the previous page.

Joke [sent in by A Billy Boy by email on 06/12/02]

Question: How can you tell a Celtic fan is looking through a keyhole?
Answer: You can see both his eyes.

Joke [sent in by Leggat by email on 06/12/02]

Question: What do Rab Dougles and Michael Jackson have in common?
Answer: They both wear gloves for no obvious reason.

Joke [sent in by James (Rangers Loyal) by email on 04/10/02]

A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".

Joke [sent in by James (Rangers Loyal) by email on 04/10/02]

Question: What's the difference between a rooster and a Celtic supporter?
Answer: Rooster says 'cock a doodle do', and a Celtic supporter says 'any cock'll do'.

Joke [sent in by Daniel by email on 28/09/02]

Question: Why is it George Michaels lifetime ambition to play in goal for Celtic?.
Answer: Because he'd have 10 arseholes infront of him and 60'000 pricks behind him!

Joke [sent in by Aldo by email on 03/09/02]

A shabby looking young man wearing a Celtic shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once." Said the Tim
"And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Ibrox to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the huns decked in full Celtic gear."
"My, that is brave!. When did you do that?"
"About 3 minutes ago...".

Joke [sent in by Marky J by email on 02/09/02]

Q: If you see a Celtic fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him??
A: It could be your bike!!!

Joke [sent in by Marky J by email on 02/09/02]

Q: What do Celtic fans use as a form of contraception?
A: Their personalities!

Joke [sent in by Marky J by email on 02/09/02]

Q: What has a dead dog on the road have in front of it that a dead Celtic fan does not?
A: Skid marks!

Joke [sent in by M Yakin on 30/08/02]

FC Basel in the Champions League?

Joke [sent in by Peter from Irvine on 30/08/02]

Q: What do you do if you see a Celtic supporter with half a face?
A: Stop laughing and reload!

Joke [sent in by Clarke from Glasgow on 27/06/02]

Alex McLeish was looking to sign some new players to help Rangers title push, so he sent his chief scout Ewan Chester to Afghanistan to search for some new talent. Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18-year-old striker and immediately signs him on a 3-year deal.

On getting back to Scotland, McLeish takes one look at him in training and immediately puts him in the starting line up for the big away game against Celtic.

The new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick and creates four more as Rangers romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young lad phones his mum to tell her the good news.

"Mum" he says, "I've just made my debut and had a great game. The team loves me, the fans love me and the press loves me, even them twats on the radio clyde phone in love me. Life is great!"

"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened to us today?. Your Dad's been murdered in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a vicious gang of killers".

"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry" "Sorry?" She yells down the phone, "You're fucking sorry? It's YOUR fucking fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!!"

Joke [sent in by Billy from Whiteinch on 30/05/02]

A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There totally wrecked, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends putting our differences behind us."

The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely, this must indeed be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan.

The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The Rangers fan grins and then replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Joke [sent in by Ewan the Squirrel from Perth on 22/05/02]

Former Celtic striker Harald Brattbakk's wife was sick of the tosser and wanted him locked up. So she went to the police.
Mrs Brattbakk: "Help me, my husband is a wife beater and has been hitting me."
Policeman: "Don't worry love, just carry a goalpost in each hand - and he'll never hit you"

Joke [sent in by Shug from Denny on 25/04/02]

A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan are walking along a beach, when they see an old bottle.
The
Celtic fan picks it up, and takes out the cork.
Out pops a genie who says, "I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes each."
wish 1 - "OK then," the
Celtic fan says, "I wish every person in Glasgow was female apart from me."
wish 1 - "I'd like a superbike," says the
Rangers fan.
wish 2 - The
Celtic fan, wanting better than the Rangers fan says, "I wish everyone in Europe was female apart from me."
wish 2 - "I'd like a helmet for my bike," says the
Rangers fan.
final wish -"I wish everyone in the World was female apart from me." says the
Celtic fan.
final wish - "I wish the
Celtic fan to be gay!" retorts the Rangers fan!

Joke [sent in by Big Donny from Knightswood on 22/04/02]

There was this girl on holiday in Miami. However, as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair of jugs.
Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative amusement, picked it up.
Poof! Out emerged a genie, who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired.
"Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole, wide world", she requested.
The genie uttered "your wish is my command" and wiggled his finger. Woosh!! Woosh!! Immediately before her eyes, appeared Neil Lennon and Chris Sutton!

Joke [sent in by Scott from Rutherglen on 26/03/02]

Henrik Larsson was to meet his new girlfriend outside the Cinema at 7pm.
At 9pm she still hadn't arrived, so he went home furious.
He phoned her up and said, "whar de fuck's going on here? I waited for 2 hours in the cold for you!"
She said, "I'm no gaun oot wi' you. We're finished".
"Why?" Larsson asked.
She replied "One of my friends said you're a Pedophile."
"A Pedophile?" cried Laarson, "that's an awful big word for a seven year old!!"

Joke [sent in by Clarke from Yorkhill on 20/03/02]

The Celtic team are staying at a hotel one night before a big game when Martin O'Neill catches John Hartson sneaking out after curfew.
O'Neill snapped: "Where do you think you're going?"
Hartson: "I am absolutely starving - I'm going out to get a black pudding supper"
O'Neill: "I thought I made it clear to everybody that you were to stay in the hotel? Away back up the stair and I will get the black pudding supper for you."
In the chippy, O'Neill is standing in the queue when who should walk in but Alex McLeish.
McLeish: "Oh, hello, Martin what are you doing here?"
O'Neill: "I am just seeing if I can get a black pudding supper for John Hartson."
McLeish: "Oh yes? If I were you I'd definitely take it."

Joke [sent in by Dits from Ipswich on 18/03/02]

One night The hunchback of Notredame, Quasimodo was sitting was sitting in his bell tower at the top of Notredame Cathedral looking out over the city of Paris admiring all the lovely young ladies below. He thought to himself that it was high time after years of sexual frustration to lose his virginity once and for all. He immediately began to climb down from the Cathedral and took to the streets in search of his nookie. After repeated knockbacks he eventually decided to try the red light district and found himself knocking on the door of a brothel. A old woman opened the door and welcomed him in. She ushered him into a large room where he was told to pick from a line of prostitutes of which one was a nun. What a stroke of luck Quasimodo thought, as from living in the Cathedral he often lusted over the nuns he saw there. He took no time at all to decide and whisked the nun off to a bedroom for a heavy night of heavy passion that Quasimodo (and the nun) would never forget.

Many years passed and Quasimodo decided it was time to return to the brothel for a repeat that wonderful experience. That night he eventually found the exact same brothel he visited all those years before. Quasimodo rang the bell nervously and after a few minutes a young hideous looking boy with a hunchback of about fifteen years old opened the door and looked the visitor up and down. The boy screwed up his face and began to speak, - "FATHER!!!, you have a nerve to show up here after all these years. I have nothing but contempt for you and I wish you a torturous death, you can go to hell for all I care." Quasimodo sank to his knees with a tear in his eye and whispered, "I had no idea, I did not mean to father a child incase it would turn out to be a freak like me." The boy looked at Quasimodo and said, "what are you talking about you fool, it's got nothing to do with how I look, it's because I was born a fenian!!!"

Joke [sent in by Neil from Larkhall on 26/02/02]

Question: What's the difference between a Celtic supporters bus and a hedgehog?
Answer:
With the hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.

Joke [sent in by Gate from Partick on 24/02/02]

Alex McLeish got on the phone to Martin O'Neill:
Alex: "Martin, we're having a wee party on Saturday night and we'd like you to come along."
O'Neill: "Sorry, Alex, I can't manage."
Alex: "I know that, but why not come to the party anyway?"

Joke [sent in by Alan from Maryhill on 22/02/02]

A Celtic fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Celtic shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter. "Hello mate" says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven." "What?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no Celtic fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Celtic supporter. "Oh really", says St Peter "What have you done, then?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says St Peter "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans." "Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the Governor." Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off."

Joke [sent in by Spaz from Cumbernauld on 19/02/02]

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees, asking, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful," says Albert, "We will talk about the Grand Unification theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss." Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers "144." "That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss." Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" and the man answers, "42." Albert responds, "So how did Celtic get on this season, huh?"

Joke [sent in by Sinky from Dundee on 19/02/02]

A Celtic supporting family were shopping in the Metro centre, and ended up in a sports shop. Little Joey suddenly puts on a Rangers shirt and says to his sister, "Look, I'm a Ranger!". His sister slaps him across the face and orders him to show their mum. He wanders over to his mum and says, "Maw, look, I'm a Ranger". His mother also slaps him across the face, and orders him to show his dad. He finds his dad and says, "Da', da', I'm a Ranger". His dad looks at him and them he also slaps him across the face. On their way home in the car, the family turn to him and say, "Well we hope you've learned something today" to which Little Joey replies, "Yeah, I've only been a Ranger for two minutes and I already hate you Celtic bastards!"

Joke [sent in by Lackey from Govan on 15/02/02]

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Celtic fans showed up. Never having seen any Celtic supporters at Heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone." "What? All of the Celtic fans are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!"

Joke [sent in by Colin from York on 14/02/02]

Celtic are on their way to an away game when their bus breaks down. The driver gets out and lifts up the engine cover.
Chris Sutton, trying his best to be helpful, gets out and asks "do you want a screwdriver?"
The driver replies "Not now Chris pet, I'm trying to fix the bus."

Joke [sent in by Aldo from Clydebank on 14/02/02]

Q: What do you call a pregnant Celtic fan?
A: A dope carrier!

Joke [sent in by Fud Heid from Thornwood on 14/02/02]

Q: How do you get a Celtic fan to stand up?
A: Say "Will the defendant please rise.
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