Below
are some jokes and funny tales aimed at Celtic and their
supporters. The newest entries appear are at the top.
If you have heard a good Old Firm jokes then why not
send them to us to post up. You can do this by filling
in the form on the previous page.
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Joke
[sent
in by A
Billy Boy by email on 06/12/02]
Question: How can you tell a Celtic
fan is looking through a keyhole?
Answer: You can see both his eyes.
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Joke
[sent
in by Leggat
by email on 06/12/02]
Question: What do Rab
Dougles and Michael Jackson have in
common?
Answer: They both wear gloves for no obvious reason.
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Joke
[sent
in by James
(Rangers Loyal) by email on 04/10/02]
A Celtic fan
dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Green
and white top. He knocks on the old pearly gates
and out walks St. Peter.
"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm
sorry, no Celtic fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Celtic
fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man",
replies the Celtic
supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What
have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks
before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving
children in Africa".
"Oh" says St.Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave
10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds
to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait
here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He
looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've
had a word with God and he agrees with me.
Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".
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Joke
[sent
in by James
(Rangers Loyal) by email on 04/10/02]
Question: What's the difference between a rooster
and a Celtic
supporter?
Answer: Rooster says 'cock a doodle do', and a
Celtic supporter
says 'any cock'll do'.
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Joke
[sent
in by Daniel
by email on 28/09/02]
Question: Why is it George Michaels lifetime ambition
to play in goal for Celtic?.
Answer:
Because he'd have 10 arseholes infront of him
and 60'000 pricks behind him!
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Joke
[sent
in by Aldo
by email on 03/09/02]
A shabby looking young man wearing a Celtic
shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be
let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have
you ever done anything good like given money to
the poor?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the Tim
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once."
Said the Tim
"And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Ibrox to see an Old Firm game and
stood in the stands with the huns
decked in full Celtic
gear."
"My, that is brave!. When did you do that?"
"About 3 minutes ago...". |
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Joke
[sent
in by Marky J by email on 02/09/02]
Q:
If you see a Celtic
fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to
hit him??
A:
It could be your bike!!! |
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Joke
[sent
in by Marky J by email on 02/09/02]
Q:
What do Celtic
fans use as a form of contraception?
A:
Their personalities! |
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Joke
[sent
in by Marky J by email on 02/09/02]
Q:
What has a dead dog on the road have in front of
it that a dead Celtic
fan does not?
A:
Skid marks! |
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Joke
[sent
in by M Yakin on 30/08/02]
FC Basel in the Champions League?
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Joke
[sent
in by Peter from Irvine on 30/08/02]
Q: What do you do if you see a Celtic
supporter with half a face?
A: Stop laughing and reload!
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Joke
[sent
in by Clarke from Glasgow on 27/06/02]
Alex
McLeish
was looking to sign some new players to help Rangers
title push, so he sent his chief scout Ewan Chester
to Afghanistan to search for some new talent.
Sure enough, the scout finds an outstanding 18-year-old
striker and immediately signs him on a 3-year
deal.
On getting back to Scotland, McLeish
takes one look at him in training and immediately
puts him in the starting line up for the big away
game against Celtic.
The new lad is fantastic, he scores a hat trick
and creates four more as Rangers
romp it 7-0. Ecstatic after the game the young
lad phones his mum to tell her the good news.
"Mum" he says, "I've just made
my debut and had a great game. The team loves
me, the fans love me and the press loves me, even
them twats on the radio clyde phone in love me.
Life is great!"
"Well," says his mum, "I'm glad
life is great for you. Shall I tell you what happened
to us today?. Your Dad's been murdered in the
street, your sister and I were raped and beaten
in broad daylight, and your brother's joined a
vicious gang of killers".
"Mum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry"
"Sorry?" She yells down the phone, "You're
fucking sorry? It's YOUR fucking fault we moved
to Glasgow in the first place!!"
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Joke
[sent
in by Billy from Whiteinch on 30/05/02]
A
Rangers fan
and a Celtic fan
get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both
cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.
After
they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic
fan says, "So you're a Rangers
fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic
fan... Wow! Just look at our cars.
There totally wrecked, but fortunately we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet
and be friends putting our differences behind
us."
The
Rangers fan
replied," I agree with you completely, this
must indeed be a sign from God!" The Rangers
fan continued, "And look at this
- here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate
our good fortune."
Then
he hands the bottle to the Celtic
fan. The Celtic
fan nods his head in agreement, opens
it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle,
then hands it back to the Rangers
fan. The Rangers
fan takes the bottle, immediately puts
the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic
fan.
The
Celtic fan asks,
"Aren't you having any?"
The Rangers fan
grins and then replies, "No. I think I'll just
wait for the police..." |
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Joke
[sent
in by Ewan the Squirrel from Perth on 22/05/02]
Former
Celtic striker Harald Brattbakk's
wife was sick of the tosser and wanted him locked
up. So she went to the police.
Mrs Brattbakk: "Help me, my husband
is a wife beater and has been hitting me."
Policeman: "Don't worry love, just carry
a goalpost in each hand - and he'll never hit you"
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Joke
[sent
in by Shug from Denny on 25/04/02]
A
Rangers
fan
and a Celtic
fan
are walking along a beach, when they see an old
bottle.
The Celtic
fan
picks it up, and takes out the cork.
Out pops a genie who says, "I am the football
genie. I grant 3 wishes each."
wish 1 -
"OK then," the Celtic
fan
says, "I wish every person in Glasgow was female
apart from me."
wish 1 -
"I'd like a superbike," says the Rangers
fan.
wish 2 -
The Celtic
fan,
wanting better than the Rangers
fan
says, "I wish everyone in Europe was female
apart from me."
wish 2 -
"I'd like a helmet for my bike," says
the Rangers
fan.
final
wish -"I wish everyone
in the World was female apart from me." says
the Celtic
fan.
final wish - "I
wish the Celtic
fan
to be gay!" retorts the Rangers
fan!
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Joke
[sent
in by Big Donny from Knightswood on 22/04/02]
There
was this girl on holiday in Miami. However, as she
walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls
walking arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became
distraught, for she had a rather insignificant pair
of jugs.
Suddenly, she spied a murky old bottle that had
washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative
amusement, picked it up.
Poof! Out emerged a genie, who immediately offered
to grant her any two wishes that she desired.
"Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the
whole, wide world", she requested.
The genie uttered "your wish is my command"
and wiggled his finger. Woosh!! Woosh!! Immediately
before her eyes, appeared Neil
Lennon and Chris
Sutton! |
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Joke
[sent
in by Scott from Rutherglen on 26/03/02]
Henrik Larsson
was to meet his new girlfriend outside the Cinema
at 7pm.
At 9pm she still hadn't arrived, so he went home
furious.
He phoned her up and said, "whar de fuck's
going on here? I waited for 2 hours in the cold
for you!"
She said, "I'm no gaun oot wi' you. We're finished".
"Why?" Larsson
asked.
She replied "One of my friends said you're
a Pedophile."
"A Pedophile?" cried Laarson, "that's
an awful big word for a seven year old!!"
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Joke
[sent
in by Clarke from Yorkhill on 20/03/02]
The
Celtic team
are staying at a hotel one night before a big game
when Martin O'Neill
catches John Hartson
sneaking out after curfew.
O'Neill snapped:
"Where do you think you're going?"
Hartson: "I
am absolutely starving - I'm going out to get a
black pudding supper"
O'Neill: "I
thought I made it clear to everybody that you were
to stay in the hotel? Away back up the stair and
I will get the black pudding supper for you."
In the chippy, O'Neill
is standing in the queue when who should walk in
but Alex McLeish.
McLeish: "Oh,
hello, Martin
what are you doing here?"
O'Neill: "I
am just seeing if I can get a black pudding supper
for John Hartson."
McLeish: "Oh
yes? If I were you I'd definitely take it."
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Joke
[sent
in by Dits from Ipswich on 18/03/02]
One
night The hunchback of Notredame, Quasimodo was
sitting was sitting in his bell tower at the top
of Notredame Cathedral looking out over the city
of Paris admiring all the lovely young ladies
below. He thought to himself that it was high
time after years of sexual frustration to lose
his virginity once and for all. He immediately
began to climb down from the Cathedral and took
to the streets in search of his nookie. After
repeated knockbacks he eventually decided to try
the red light district and found himself knocking
on the door of a brothel. A old woman opened the
door and welcomed him in. She ushered him into
a large room where he was told to pick from a
line of prostitutes of which one was a nun. What
a stroke of luck Quasimodo thought, as from living
in the Cathedral he often lusted over the nuns
he saw there. He took no time at all to decide
and whisked the nun off to a bedroom for a heavy
night of heavy passion that Quasimodo (and the
nun) would never forget.
Many
years passed and Quasimodo decided it was time
to return to the brothel for a repeat that wonderful
experience. That night he eventually found the
exact same brothel he visited all those years
before. Quasimodo rang the bell nervously and
after a few minutes a young hideous looking boy
with a hunchback of about fifteen years old opened
the door and looked the visitor up and down. The
boy screwed up his face and began to speak, -
"FATHER!!!, you have a nerve to show up here
after all these years. I have nothing but contempt
for you and I wish you a torturous death, you
can go to hell for all I care." Quasimodo
sank to his knees with a tear in his eye and whispered,
"I had no idea, I did not mean to father
a child incase it would turn out to be a freak
like me." The boy looked at Quasimodo and
said, "what are you talking about you fool,
it's got nothing to do with how I look, it's because
I was born a fenian!!!"
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Joke
[sent
in by Neil from Larkhall on 26/02/02]
Question:
What's the difference between a Celtic
supporters bus and a hedgehog?
Answer: With the hedgehog, the pricks are on
the outside. |
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Joke
[sent
in by Gate from Partick on 24/02/02]
Alex
McLeish
got on the phone to Martin
O'Neill:
Alex: "Martin,
we're having a wee party on Saturday night and we'd
like you to come along."
O'Neill: "Sorry,
Alex, I can't
manage."
Alex: "I
know that, but why not come to the party anyway?" |
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Joke
[sent
in by Alan from Maryhill on 22/02/02]
A
Celtic fan
dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Celtic
shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out
walks St Peter. "Hello mate" says St Peter,
"I'm sorry, no Celtic
fans in heaven." "What?" exclaims
the man, astonished. "You heard, no
Celtic fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man",
replies the Celtic
supporter. "Oh really", says St Peter
"What have you done, then?" "Well"
said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I
gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St Peter "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10
pounds to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything
else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave
10 pounds to the Albanian orphans." "Okay",
said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while
I have a word with the Governor." Ten minutes
pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke
in the eye and says, "I've had a word with
God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid
back, now fuck off." |
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Joke
[sent
in by Spaz from Cumbernauld on 19/02/02]
Albert
Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself
to the first person he sees, asking, "What
is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful," says Albert, "We
will talk about the Grand Unification theory and
the mysteries of the universe. We will have much
to discuss." Next Albert introduces himself
to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?"
To which the lady answers "144." "That
is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss
politics and current affairs. We will have much
to discuss." Albert then goes to another person
and asks, "What is your IQ?" and the man
answers, "42." Albert responds, "So
how did Celtic
get on this season, huh?" |
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Joke
[sent
in by Sinky from Dundee on 19/02/02]
A
Celtic supporting
family were shopping in the Metro centre, and ended
up in a sports shop. Little Joey suddenly puts on
a Rangers shirt
and says to his sister, "Look, I'm a Ranger!".
His sister slaps him across the face and orders
him to show their mum. He wanders over to his mum
and says, "Maw, look, I'm a Ranger".
His mother also slaps him across the face, and orders
him to show his dad. He finds his dad and says,
"Da', da', I'm a Ranger".
His dad looks at him and them he also slaps him
across the face. On their way home in the car, the
family turn to him and say, "Well we hope you've
learned something today" to which Little Joey
replies, "Yeah, I've only been a Ranger
for two minutes and I already hate you Celtic
bastards!" |
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Joke
[sent
in by Lackey from Govan on 15/02/02]
Saint
Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Celtic
fans showed up. Never having seen any Celtic
supporters at Heaven's door, Saint Peter said he
would have to check with God. After hearing the
news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous
from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, "They're
gone." "What? All of the Celtic
fans are gone?" asked God. "No" replied
Saint Peter "The Pearly Gates!" |
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Joke
[sent
in by Colin from York on 14/02/02]
Celtic
are on their way to an away game when their bus
breaks down. The driver gets out and lifts up the
engine cover.
Chris Sutton,
trying his best to be helpful, gets out and asks
"do you want a screwdriver?"
The driver replies "Not now Chris
pet, I'm trying to fix the bus." |
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Joke
[sent
in by Aldo from Clydebank on 14/02/02]
Q:
What do you call a pregnant Celtic
fan?
A: A dope carrier! |
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Joke
[sent
in by Fud Heid from Thornwood on 14/02/02]
Q:
How do you get a Celtic
fan to stand up?
A: Say "Will the defendant please rise. |
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